The only thing my 87 year old grandmother talks about these days is dying. For one, it seems she is riddled with guilt that her younger sisters were “taken away” sooner than her. Most of her friends have died. She is reduced to the size of a toothpick. She barely eats. Her never ending energy to “talk” has diminished and now she moans in her bed all day begging her god to “take her away”. I don’t know how to deal with this situation. On one hand, I see my own old parents dealing with the difficulties of caring for an elderly person, and on the other hand, I feel my grandmother deserves what she desires. For no one should have to suffer and die. I want to die in my sleep, she repeats again and again.
I cannot begin to imagine her state of mind. She actually wants to die. She thinks she has had enough: she has seen enough of the world, enjoyed with her family and friends, watched her children and grandchildren grow old, etc., and now it is time to go. She has truly lost the will to live. My heart weeps when I meet her but my mind goes into a state of depression. I see a future similar like that for myself. I cannot explain why that is…but I am almost sure that I am likely to be following a similar path, with the exception that I may not be surrounded by my family at that time, unlike my grandmother, who is… which makes my situation worse.
I don’t know what it is about death (of the fear of it) that makes a mind dwell in those thoughts again and again. A few months back, I had no such thoughts. But the last few weeks with my grandmother has led me to dwell into dark spaces of my mind which I don’t think I have the energy to deal with… yet.
lessonsfromlife123 